Thursday, August 4, 2011

How ex's can be so stressful!

Another stress factor in my life right now is my ex. Okay I guess I should specify which ex since they are all technically ex's since they aren't currents *okie holds forehead thinking she just confused herself*. So this ex just happens to be the father of my child, not quite what she calls him most days, but we will go with that term for now.

Anywho, he was living with us for about a year and I put him out last August due to some issues. Oh hell, he was getting drunk all the time, staying out late and just being a poopie head! There I said it! Well one weekend where I heard nothing from him and he didn't come home I decided enough was enough and that I was done. When he did come in we had a few words and I told him "it's time for you to go". Long story short, he left. We remained in contact, me being the optimistic person and thinking that maybe my daughter could build a relationship with her father, over the past year even though he was going down hill fast. After being arrested several times he finally got the final blow over 4th of July weekend and got picked up for a DUI, his second in 2 years. Matter of fact COPS was in town that weekend filming so he might actually end up a tv star of sorts...the bad sorts! *okie can't help but laugh at the twisted humor in that statement* Well on top of that he had several other arrests for some issues and he is now sitting in county with a $500,000 bond on him. Now why this would be stressful to me is really hard to understand. I don't want him in my life anymore than a friend. But that's just it, we have been able to remain friends and since he is a friend I worry. But at least I know as long as he is in there he isn't killing himself or someone else with his actions. I do worry about my daughter and how this will effect her. Of course she tells me she doesn't care, but I know it has to bother her in some capacity. I have no idea how long he will be gone, but I know it will be a number of years.

I just wonder what goes through someone's mind who keeps making the same mistakes over and over and over again and some how thinks the results will be different. In the world of counseling, we call that crazy. He is an addict and I hope now he can get the help he needs. But I feel if he got out today he would be right back out doing the same kinda stuff all over again. I have no bad thoughts or feelings for him. Actually I always have wished happiness for any of my ex's. Well at least after a while of being away from there. I think there might have been one that I felt my wishes were less than gracious, but that's a whole notha story!!

I don't blame myself for any of his actions because I know all that he did was by his own choice and he has to face the consequences. I just wish my daughter could have had a father that would have been loving and supportive. In this I feel I have let her down....yep that is probably where the stress comes in over the whole situation.

On a brighter note, tonight is Stamp Club and Linda will be coming to town. We are going to go find somewhere cheap to eat and then head off to spend some time with our stamping friends. Maybe I can get a card done or something but I am making no promises!!!

27 comments:

  1. Your daughter will always admire you for enabling her to become as strong as you by being true to your convictions. Your ex made his own decisions, including pursuing or not pursuing HIS relationship with your daughter. He is lucky you still consider yourself his friend. Step back, take a deep breath and relax. They both will find their ways.

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  2. It is a good thing you are in the profession you are in. But that could be why this is so hard on you. Well it all would be hard on most people who care about others. I went to Al Anon meetings for a while when my children were young and my mother was drinking heavily. It helped me a lot.
    Guilt is a evil thing. You can't change the past. Most of the times children of alcoholics want a better life for themselves. So it could be a good thing.
    I know about guilt. I am the queen of feeling guilty for everything and it is not fun. I know your writing is helping you. Take the advice you would give a friend who is going through all that you are right now.
    More Hugs

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  3. maybe the best place for him right now is where he is..maybe he can get some help with his addiction there..wishing him the best of luck..sadly..alcholism can destroy relationships (know first hand) and hopefully he will get help before he completely destroys his relationship with his/your daughter

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  4. Shirley your stress is that you are a very very caring person. You want nothing but the best for everyone. Unfortunately you can't steer everyone down the right path and everyone is basically on their own to create their future (good or bad). You just have to hope and pray that things start to go correctly and they get the help and/or divine intervention they need.

    xx
    Kathy Wyatt

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  5. you care still because you share a child together...its not your fault he is not the kind of father he should be and your daughter knows this. I grew up with something similar and you just cant make people be what they are not. some people are just designed to self-destruct no matter how many times you try and set them right. good luck and lots of hugs to you and your daughter, at least she has an amazing mother to balance it out!

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  6. Shirley, We don't really know each other but I'm a single mom myself so I sure understand your thoughts here. {{{big hugs}}} One comment I must make to you is that you have done everything you could do to be a good mom to your daughter. You can take ownership for that but you cannot take ownership for what her dad has done. She is growing up into a responsible young woman and she has you to thank for that. Exes are stressful, that's for sure. You just go on being the great mom you've always been!

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  7. So sorry for your stress, Okie. I, too, have an ex that is less than spectacular as a father - waaaay less than spectacular. My childrens' relationship with him - or lack thereof - stresses me out. Just wish they had a better role model. Hang in there and know you're not alone with this problem.

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  8. Hang in there Okie, leave him and all the stresses in God's hands, you done your best the rest is up to him and God.

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  9. I had to post to this because I also have had lots of guilt over the years for doing a not so good job of picking a husband and father for my kids. With that said I have come to realize that without my ex I would never have brought into the world the 2 best things that ever happened to me so...YEP...I would do it all over again pain and all. I remind my kids when they rag about the alcoholic his has become etc, etc, that for all his faults he gave me you. It is what it is and I have done the best I can mistakes and all to raise my kids. I only have control over myself and my own actions so I don't assume any of my ex's bad behavior anymore. I tell my kids.. expect nothing from him and you will never be disappointed only surprised and happy when he does something nice.

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  10. You know something, Okie? You are definitely not alone with this situation!! I have been hoping and praying for 9 years that my son-in-law would change, but I think I've finally come to the realization that he won't ever make the necessary changes - how sad for my grandson - he loves his Daddy but is now old enough to see the problems!!! The tragedy is my son-in-law can be quite the charmer and has such a great personality when he's "sober" but doesn't even support his own son (and, on top of that, WON'T MOVE OUT!) - hang in there! You are a good friend to your ex, but it isn't your responsibility to take care of him. Your daughter sounds like an intelligent young lady and she'll find her way in having or not having a relationship with her Dad.

    Hugs to you both,
    jackie

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  11. Okie so sorry you are having so many things going on. You are such a tremendous presents on the MB and blogland that we miss you when you are not around. I understand your care and concern that is who you are. A about 6 years ag my son (now 40)got divorced and was drinking more than he should got 2 DUI in 2 years and spent time in jail. After the second one something clicked and he totally changed, he realized he would get so where that way and has not had a drink since. He did read some books while in was in and now has an entire different outlook on live. One book in particular is "The Secret" maybe you can get him to read some and start to make a change.
    HUGS
    Donna

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  12. My ex is a huge stresser for me too. Different reasons but they are still all the same if you ask me. Mine is about $43 thousand behind in child support and hasn't contacted his kids since Feb. of 2008. My kids deserve better than that. My husband is in the process of adopting them. We are just waiting for the court date to finish it. He is the dad they really deserve. Sometimes it's hard to make the right decisions for not just ourselves but our kids too. You are a great mom and it shows in all of the photos you post of your daughter. We can't make people be who we want them to be. They have to want it too and clearly he doesn't. Big HUG to you. Love you!

    Amy

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  13. I know what you mean about daughters and fathers who were not the fathers the daughters deserved. My daughter's father chose not to be part of our family. He's dead now, so she'll never get a chance to meet him. It's a shame there wasn't a dad store where we could buy them Class A dads. Sorry you and your daughter are going through this.

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  14. From someone who loves both u & Shiane, u did what was best for u & your sanity. As I said that day if he's living with u then he had no bizness being gone all weekend or all night for that matter. Stop stressing over him, this was his own doing & he must grow up somehow!!! Love u toots

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  15. Okie, I'm sorry you're going through this rough patch in your life. Things will settle down and get better. Your ex is outta your hands.Your daughter is beautiful and smart. She may not be too serious about school at the moment, but you have instilled the right message in her and she will come around. Take care. Hugs, Cindy

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  16. It is definitely understandable how that can be stressing you!! My Mom and Dad were divorced for 20 years but she still felt some responsibility for him. It's hard not to feel that when you have had a relationship and esp a child together. Hugs to you!! Have fun stamping!!

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  17. There now doesn't that feel better? It is so much better out than in.
    He made his choices and unfortunately it is the children who pay. I sure know where you are coming from.
    Chin up girl, your sense of humour will pull you through.
    Myrna

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  18. hugs to you and you have from what Ive seen on the blog been a great mom and wonderful influence. We cant pick who our parents are but, as her mom you can do the best you can and be open and honest with her and encourage her to do the same. Prayers for your ex that he will find the way and that this will be the life changing event that he needs. Some never over come the addiction and will always be lost souls. Hold your daughter tight and show her how you have made your life positive.
    Hugs always Mindy

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  19. I can see why you have some stress on you right now Okie, I have been there and done that as well. Only with my son and that is a whole other ballgame. LOL I don't understand it, but we try to support him without "supporting" him if you know what I mean. It is driving me crazy because I want him to be a productive citizen and able to care for himself. His wasn't for DIU, but for minor other things and his bale wasn't much, but at the same time we didn't bale him out as we did one other time. We thought it would be good for him to sit there. Right or wrong it is what we decided. If able when his court date is we would like to bring him to our state to get him back on track. I will keep you, your DD and your ex in my prayers. We can't help loved ones if they don't want it I'm finding out. So prayer is the only thing that I know to do. Prayers my friend!!!

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  20. Okie.... I know what you mean by Father & Daughter.... Having been through something sort of similar with my own father.... won't get into details of my horrible past..... but Hang in there.... He's were he needs to be and if your daughter says she doesn't care.... It may be true.... Because thats how I feel about my Father as well.... I still turned out to be a well adjusted person (Sort of) LOL And your daughter is probably just fine in that case.... She's just young and with maturity you will see how well adjusted she is.... not now of course since the school issues and being young... But don't worry so much.... You are blessed in more ways than one and these minor hiccups are going to go bye sooner than you think and all will be well with the Okie world again! HUGS! :o)

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  21. Hi Okie, I have been quietly following your blog for quite sometime and enjoy your post. In regards to this post you are not alone. I can relate from you & your daughter's perspective. My biological is not a big part of my life either so trust your daughter when she say "she doesn't care". I can tell you are GREAT MOM and she appreciates that more than anything. :) Just as others have posted your ex made these choices. Focus on you and your daughter and all will be ok. Don't stress...now get back to CREATING ;-)

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  22. Ih, girl, do I know how you feel!!It is like you copied my life from a few years back except it was with my son and his dad. Everything turned out ok and they have a decent relationship now but I wanted him to have a good dad growing up. He is 23 now and I love the man he is turning out to be even tho he didn't have a dad. Don't worry about him. like you said, it is all because of his choices. Your daughter will probably be better not having a close relationship with him!! (you too!)

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  23. Damn Okie, no wonder you were hiding under a bushel. Between your daughter and her dad you have had maximum stress and all of a sort that you can do absolutely nothing about. Frustrating for you girl. Keep your chin up. Hope you have fun tonight. You most certainly deserve it. hugs, eileen

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  24. So glad you are brave enough to be an open book because it not only helps you get if off your chest, but it helps us readers realize that none of us are alone when we are having a bad day, a bad week or even a bad year. I had an argument w/ my 14 yr. old today and ended up bawling. He just didn't see that where I was coming from was a good place at first, but in the end he did and we hugged and made up. Weather it's big or small...having a fallout w/ one of your children is the worst thing for a mother. We love them so much and that just makes "tough love" so much harder on us I think! Praying everything starts turning around for you!

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  25. Sending prayers and hugs your way. I know this is a hard time for your family but always remember - your daughter has you. That will be enough.

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  26. It is a good thing you are in the profession you are in. But that could be why this is so hard on you. Well it all would be hard on most people who care about others., but those people are always on the top rank in front of GOD...
    Scratch Card Printing

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  27. It sounds like one of those situations where you love/like the person but don't like his actions. That was a phrase that stuck with me when I was trying to deal with my teenagers. When I am going through a bad time in life, I think "just visualize, a year from now this bad time will (hopefully) be over. In the grand total of life, this bad time will just occupy a small part of it overall."
    Best of luck and deal with one day at a time.
    Just look at all the support you are getting here and know that you are doing something right. You are a good person!

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