Right now I am dangling at the end, frantically trying to tie a knot with what little rope is left, I keep praying and as soon as things start to look a little better a strong gust of wind comes along and is making me sway harder and my arms are getting weaker and weaker. I still have my faith because at this point there is hardly anything else left. I am normally a happy, upbeat and positive person but there are only so many hits a person can take until you feel that the rope is going to snap and you are going to free fall into an abyss. I won't look down because I am afraid of what is down there, and if there isn't ground close I will be in real trouble because I am afraid of heights and I will simple have a heart attack and let go of the rope.
I do have some bright spots I am trying to focus on.
One, my daughter is doing better. Her moods have stabilized and she seems to be getting back to her old self. No longer is she the ball of attitude and hatefulness, although she still can have her moments, but can't we all. She started training at a new job this week and she thinks she is going to really like it. For this, I am very grateful to God because without Him I am not sure what would have happened if she had continued down the path she was on. She was able to get off the Depo-Provera shot this month and hopefully it will all get out of her system soon.
Two, I was able to sell every set of the Naughty Princess cards within a few days. I still have two sets that I am waiting on payment but they are packaged and ready to send out once the payment is received. The extra money helped, if only I had about 20 more sets to sell I might feel a little better. But to be honest I don't think I could keep my sanity long enough to make 20 more sets *okie shudders thinking about all those tiny pieces*.
Three, I have a home, a job and a working vehicle...which is a lot more than a lot of people have these days. So for this I am grateful...very grateful.
Four, the MRI showed I have a slight bulging disc at C6-C7, or something like that. There is no pressure on my spinal cord at this time but the doctor is going to keep an eye on it. I still don't know why my hands go numb, nor does my doctor. The Neurontin does seem to help some though.
Five, I have a wonderful support group of family and friends that no matter how down I get they can always make me laugh and smile. For instance, I was talking to BFF Karen on the phone last week and was letting her know how she needed to buck up and her life isn't that bad, and explained all the stress I have going on in my life and the conversation went like this....
ME: "but on the upside my a1c is standing at 6.8, my cholesterol is 132 and my blood pressure is 117/69"
Karen: "HOLY F*$%ING SHIT! You are gonna have to live in hell forever! I AM LUCKY! My cholesterol is around 300 so at least I am going to die some day!"
Too which I went into fits of laughter, ya know the kind where tears run down your cheeks and your stomach hurts bad you grab your sides? Yeah...that kinda laughter.
Right now I am taking each day one day at a time and hoping that tomorrow will be brighter. Okay, maybe brighter but without so much heat, as we are in the triple digits now and I am sure that adds to my feelings of despair.
I think while I have that knot in the rope I will just stop and rest for a bit and reflect on what I have to be grateful for in my life. As I sit here now thinking of how things could have been so much worse with my daughter and the MRI I am realizing that this too shall pass. Maybe it won't pass as fast as I think it should, or even as fast as it could, but it will pass. It's time to close my eyes and reflect on the situations and find what I can learn from everything that has been going on. As I always say...
There is no such thing as a negative experience as long as you learn something from it.
You're in my thoughts, prayers, and reiki, Okie. Tie the end of that rope through a big, old tire and just swing gently for a while. hugs, eileenReplyDelete
I'm so happy you sat down and wrote to us so we can let you know we are here for you and thinking about you. Your humour always brightens up my day and I'm sure you do that for many others too. Thank goodness your daughter is doing better. It is so hard to watch someone you love going through tough times. I know I will read lots of very encouraging comments here because you have lots of people who love you Shirley. Some you know, some you don't, but you have made a huge difference in many people's lives. Know that I care about you a lot. KarinReplyDelete
You have a good outlook. I'm going through a rough time too. My son is going through some stuff and it's so frustrating as a parent when you can't just have a magic fix for them. We've been refered to a specialist at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore and I'm hopeful that they can help him. My foot being broken has really gotten me down. I've gained some weight because I'm no longer working out like I was. But at the same time reading your post just made me think of all of the GOOD things that are going on. I appreciate your thoughts since it just goes to show you that if you stop focusing on all the bad you can find a little bit of happiness to help pull you through. :-) Now, I have a suggestion... Curl up in bed and watch the Twilight Saga all day. Then you will be cured! LOLReplyDelete
Hugs, sweet Shirley! All I can do in bad times is remember that "this too shall pass". I am old enough now to remember that these things do pass and we do get through them. But, man, why does it have to be so hard???ReplyDelete
Praying for you, honey! Love, Joy
Hang on tight - you're in my prayers! Let them lift you up.ReplyDelete
Okie those are priceless words of wisdom you speak. Big hugs to you and your family. There are so many things to be thankful for, yet we all have these moments when it's hard to take a breath and see through the chaos. One foot in front of the other girl.ReplyDelete
Praying for you and your family. I know things can and do build up on us but I try to remind myself to take it one day at at a time and sometimes it seems less.ReplyDelete
I just feel nobody gets a free ride in life. We all battle something and only those battles help us truly appreciate the goodness in our lives. Hang in there! I do know how tuff it is being a single mom to carry all the weight on your own. It gets tiring always just treading water to stay afloat! Stay positive!ReplyDelete
I'm sorry you life is looking so bad, I'm hoping for brighter days for you soon. I donated a little something for you, I wanted to show I cared, it will be under vcountrygirl1. I love your blog!!!!
mhalford6 aol. com
You have an uncanny way of sharing with all of us that we all feel like we are right there with you cheering you every step of the way. I am glad your rope is tied and things will start to turn around. I have always lived by the rule "God never gives you more than you can handle" and you are one tough cookie.ReplyDelete
And your final statement about there is no such thing as a negative experience, this rings so very very true. Five years ago I was having some issues with my legs so I went for an MRI and they found a tumor inside my spinal cord. Make a long story short after 2 surgeries it has been removed but I have big walking and balance issues and have to rely on a walker but it is so cool because now I do not have to work and can spend all day in my room working on cards. Your see there is a silver lining in every dark cloud. God Bless you
Oh Okie, I have been there! Just know that there are so many people out there who care about you an want the best for you. Hang in there just a little bit longer! It will get better, I promise!ReplyDelete
Six:the love and support from your blogger family...is what is helpin you hold a litle tighter..and remember through your faith...HIS WORD states.."I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU....you are going to make it!!! and sharing it with others makes you stronger because you now know there are others that have a rope alittle shorter then yours....(((((BIG HUG)))))ReplyDelete
Hang on tight to your rope and don't even think about letting go! We love you! You crack me upReplyDelete
Thank you so much for this heartfelt post. Know that there are many who are hanging on to the ends of ropes too. Collectively, we can remind each other to have faith while we gather the strength to climb back to the top of the rope. Thank YOU Okie for reminding me to keep the faith and thank you so much for sharing.ReplyDelete
So I don't know how I have missed these last few posts, but anyways - I hope you feeling more above par, I think we all go through these times and we all end up with that knot at the end of the rope to help us hold on better. You always make me smile with your quirky comments: ;-) HugsReplyDelete
i always look foward to reading every single one of your post,might not comment on them all. love your honesty about everything and you always make me laugh or put a smile on my face. I dont know you personally but you do make a difference in peoples lifes.ReplyDelete
Two weeks ago I had the week from hell everything in my home was breaking down. Usually i would get frustrated and stressed out but your previous post have made me look at everything differently. Just taking one day at a time and not stress out on the things i can fix.
What doesnt kill us makes us stronger!!!!
Thanks for sharing so much of your personal life with your bloggy friends.
For some reason God must have led me to your blog today as I have not been on the computer browsing or chatting in a good long time. I am here to tell you that I am adding you and your beautiful daughter to my prayers and you know how powerful prayers can be. You have been such a ray of sunshine in so many lives and hopefully, I can pray and send a bit back to you. God bless you my friend! Sending as huge a hug as I can send through this thing called internet.ReplyDelete